Consequences of Not Knowing the Rules of the Game

I sat across the table with disbelief and building anger as Pepper waltzed into the business dinner an hour late. I was responsible for arranging this private meeting with Tony - a man with experience and success in a particularly profitable business venture that we wanted to learn about. Tony was in town for a convention and generously offered the evening to us. One of the most experienced people in our organization (Ben) was also able to attend and willing to contribute his expertise from 30+ successful years in other dimensions of our business.

This newbie, Pepper, held us all up. Adding fuel to the frustration was my email from 2 days before the dinner confirming that we all had to be there to be seated and we had only a 10 minute window. Luckily influential Ben worked his magic and we got a table without being a whole party. The final bit of gasoline on the fire of my aggravation was that Pepper invited her best friend to join us – the friend knows nothing of our business and seemed to think this was a cocktail party. Actually, no, that wasn't the final bit. The final bit was the minute when Tony went to the hostess desk to receive delivery of his lost luggage – it had been lost for 13 hours so far. When he stepped away Pepper leans across the table and says, "Give me a brief on this guy. Is he a doctor? What's the topic?" OK now, that was the part that crazed me because a briefing was sent on Tony – as well as a link to his website where particular relevant background information was offered.

You regular readers know that I'm not the type to blow up – and I didn't. Ok, I am blowing up but it's here on paper and the names have been changed to protect those involved. And, Pepper said, and I quote, "I don't read email," so I won't imagine she'll ever cue in online. Our guests made comments, and I made judgments about this Pepper which are possibly wrong – but vivid:

• She's a prima donna
• She's an air head
• She's self-centered
• She's oblivious
• She's a genius – just not at business meeting courtesy

• She's unbelievable (that came up when she practically bragged that she doesn't read email. humph. That's how this dinner was announced so I don't buy it)
• She's ignorant – I had sent my cell phone number to everyone in case something came up and we didn't hear from her. She didn't inform me of her guest. And, they tittered about their personal stuff in a separate conversation while we listened to Tony.

Whew she got under my skin so I could hardly hear Tony's presentation (he even had a PowerPoint for us). I was embarrassed since I organized the meeting and offended that she was so, so "Pepper".

Some sure outcomes of this interaction:

• Pepper won't be welcome in groups like this.
• Pepper was late to last month's general meeting and disrupted everyone when she arrived very late on that. She's now labeled disruptive.
• Pepper doesn't know how business dinners operate – she's in a different field, medicine, or is it academia? I won't say.

That last point is probably the real core of the problem. She hasn't been given the rules of the road regarding how this group operates. I want to say, "But for goodness sake, this is business, it's obvious." But, that's the point. Her business companions at this dinner respect arriving on time, communicating with the organizer, sticking to the point of the meeting, sticking to the attendees of the meeting. She doesn't seem to know the rules (yes, this is giving her the benefit of the doubt – it's the right thing to do, right!?). So, Pepper's making some bad impressions.

How many times have I been seen as some of those negative things because I haven't stepped back and learned the rules of the game? How 'bout you? Do you think someone ought to take her aside (there is no 'boss' in this situation – it's a business organization dinner, not a company dinner)? If one would take Pepper aside what would the angle be? If no one takes her aside she'll probably make more bad impressions and lose the help she's hoping to gain. Are we meant to have a coaching culture?

My lesson from this, that I offer to you, is to heighten my interest in the rules of the game, the subtleties of a culture whether when traveling or in different businesses (which is all the time since I'm a consultant), and to 'be cool' when I'd like to be hot with anger. (And to keep pepper out of my meals.)

Comments

[Glenn]

Susan, were you able to get her alone later to give her some feedback about her behavior? Then you could find out if it was lack of skill or lack of will.

[Angela Esnouf]

I so admire that you've chosen to learn something from this, even though you did everything right in the first place. It's extraordinary behaviour from Pepper, and I can't imagine she'll ever be invited by any of the other attendees anywhere ever again. I also find it rather interesting that she wasn't perceptive enough to pick up on the mood of those around her when she finally deigned to turn up - with playmate.